#177 – I hate environmentalists.

Man – i have been seriously neglecting this blog. I started working for “The Man” again in January. “The Man” has a way of sucking the life out of you, so i have had little interest in making fun of other people, much less myself.

Anyway, in keeping with the theme that this is the worst blog ever – ill probably post again in September….

In the mean time, ill leave you with this:

The Grift that keeps on giving: http://www.carbonneutral.com/cncalculators/travelcalculatorshop.asp

BTW: The total amount of CO2 produced by my travel is 10.9 tonnes per year. Seems a little low. I’m going to drive my truck home in reverse tonight with all of the windows open and the air-conditioner on. Just trying to do my part to reverse whatever crap these people are selling.

Key Phrases of the day:

I hate environmentalists.

Global warming is a farce.

Recycling is bunk.

Hybrids are for pussies.

#176 – Yell at Retarded Gas Attendants for trying to save your life

 In what can only be described as a”Classic Charlie Moment”, I got into an argument with a retarded gas attendant yesterday.  By retarded, I don’t mean that he was simply disagreeing with me – which makes you retarded by default – no, I mean he was actually mentally handicapped.  It seems that Sams Club has found a home for the mentally retarded and employs them as Gas Station Attendants.  This is incredibly nice of Sams Club, as the gas station is completely self-service pay-at-the pump with no cash transactions.  It seems the Retarded Gas Station Attendants job is to remind you when you arent pumping gas correctly.  Case in point:

 After beginning to pump gas, i got back into my truck to talk to my wife for a while.  You see – with 22 gallons to go, there isnt much for me to do while the gas is pumping.  The retarded gas station attendant knocked on my window and began reading the “Static Warning” label on the gas pump.

This is where my true personality begins to shine through.  I immediately began challenging the Retard to “how in the hell could getting in and out of my car could POSSIBLY start a fire?!  Give me a fucking break”.  About this time, the minivan from New Jersey behind me decides to run to the Retards rescue with: “Hey, it’s true – i saw it on 60 minutes!” To which I replied “Does that mean it’s true?  When 60 minutes lit a truck on fire and said that it blew up, was that true too?  Sounds like journalistic sensationalism to me!” At about this time, some other washed up old biker guy two pumps over – witnessing that Overweight Dad from New Jersey and Retarded Gas Station Attendant were no match for my wits chimes in “Yea – dont you know anything, thats why you cant use your cell phone, havent you heard about turning off two-way radio’s in a blasting zone?!!” Well this comment stuns me, as i have absolutely no freaking idea what this nut job is talking about.  Realizing that the best defense is a good offense, i shout back  “I’m not talking about a cell phone you idiot, im talking about getting in and out of my car.”  “Oh, sorry” he says.  Well “oh sorry” isnt good enough for Charlie – so i yell back “…which is why you shouldnt butt into other peoples conversations when you dont know what the hell your talking about!”

Profanity laced craziness ensues…. 

Fast forward to today. I would like everyone to please watch the following video:

http://www.pei.org/static/static.mov

By the way, I submitted my application to Sams Club this morning.

#175 – Yell at your family for serving healthy food

 

Nothing pisses me off more than Fat Free Sour Cream.

God God Damnit Damnit.

#174 – Japan confuses me

You can thank the Japanese for another awesome addition to modern culture:  Gothic Lolita.

I saw a gaggle of Japanese girls at a dance club in Philadelphia dressed like this.

I cant decide whether I am supposed to be turned on or offended. 

Japanese culture really confuses me.

For the girlfriends and wives who read this blog.

#173 – Remember that Chicks Dig Pirates

Don’t forget that today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

When you are out tonight, don’t forget the #1 Pirate pick-up line:

“Prepare To Be Boarded!”

#172 – Dissuade Yourself from Becoming a Blogger

 

Great article on How to Dissuade Yourself from Becoming a Blogger.

I agree with this entire article.  Writing a blog is way too much work. I am actually thinking about outsourcing my blog writing to someone in India.

The next blog entry you read will actually be written by this guy.

#171 – Be Alert, Sea Creatures Are Pissed

I am going to take a break from f’ing with sea creatures for a while.  They are obviously pissed right now.  

Combined with last weeks tragic death of Steve Irwin, I think there is something going on here.

My next trip to the beach, I will be hanging out at the pool and drinking lavaflow’s. Which, come to think of it, is all I ever do at the beach anyway.

So, this is really advice for anyone out there inclined to stick a trident, attached to a wire, into a 200 pound fish, while holding your breath.

#170 – Stand By Your Convictions

 The headline says it all: “Man on trial for threats to judge threatens judge”

 

I don’t care what you think, this guy has a huge set of brass balls.

I know how it feels.  The man always keepin you down. 

Whenever I am on the way to my court appearances for traffic violations (and there have been many)  I like to pull into the courthouse parking lot at at least 105mph.

#169 – Be a somebody

Tired of being a nobody?  Try this little trick out.  Do a Google search on your name, and then weave the results into your own web of lies.  This works great for picking up waitresses at Applebee’s.  For example I found out that I actually: Graduated from Med School (sweet shades Chuck), Took first place in a fishing contest and also wrote a book about the Confederacy.  Now that’s impressive.

#168 – When your kids first word is yeyo…

This might explain why Bob from Quizno’s won’t shut up. 

And you thought baby formula was expensive.

#167 – Dead lawn – naked women last weapon

My wife and I bought a new house in April, with over an acre of grass - its our first official “yard”.

Well it’s August now and all the grass is D-E-A-D dead.  People in the mojave have better yards than mine.  I am pretty sure I saw a tumbleweed yesterday. 

So what options do I have left?  This is my last ditch effort.

If you are interested, please send your photo and measurements to me.  No glamour shots please.

#166 – Don’t send dyslexic dad out for birthday candles

A word of advice. Don’t send the dyslexic of the family out for birthday candles.

My daughter turned eleven over the weekend.  I was in charge of the birthday candles.  Now most fathers would have grabbed a box of the standard b-day candles – or perhaps even upgraded to the giant numerals – purchasing two “1″s to make an impressive “11″.

Not me.  I had to go the specialty party store – and purchase the candles that are actually individual letters made out of wax, stuck on sticks so that you can spell out “Happy Birthday” on the cake.

This would have been great – except that I accidentally bought the box that spells “Happy Retirement”.  Leaving me with no other choice but to make up a new word from the letters in r-e-t-i-r-e-m-e-n-t.

Saturday, my daughter was pleasantly surprised with a cake that said “Happy Time”.

I still dont know which was funnier, my sister trying to figure out where the “m” is in “birthday” or the look on my daughters face as she chalked one more item to the “why my dad is such a dork” list.

Classic.

#165 – Good sleep costs a small fortune

You can never pay too much for a good nights sleep. My wife and I laid down a cool grand on some new sheets and stuff for our bed.  My ulcer is reminding me what an incredibly sensible purchase that was.

At least they got the name “Sham” correct.  At $50 bucks a piece, they coudn’t have come up with a better name.  You will need at least 6 or more of these.  And don’t even try and sleep on one – they are for decoration only.  For actually touching your head against something, you will need to sleep on one of the pillows that has a regular pillowcase.  You can pick up the “plain” pillowcase for the paltry sum of $40 bucks each.

There is no doubt that NASA spent their Mars landing budget on helping create kadjillion thread count sheets. For the price of a used Fiat, you too can feel like you are sleeping on sheets made for a king.  My sheets were made for King Remorse from the Land of Regret, far beyond the What The Hell Was I Thinking sea.

BTW –  dont forget to try and make your bed look exactly like the bed in the store – you know, the one with 14 pillows that each costs more than steak dinner for two.

The best part is that after you initially stroke out over the fact that your new bedding cost twice as much as your first car, you can justify the purchase by staying up all night reminding yourself that you cant put a price on a  good nights sleep.

I havnt slept since Sunday – but man is my bed comfortable.

#164 – Make your fortune on the internet

Congratulations to one of my best friends in the world – Craig, on the official launch of his web site www.amanofleisure.com  True to form, 50% of the site is incomplete but you better believe the online store is up!

Go check it out, order a t-shirt, leave a message on the forum and be sure to check back often. This site is shaping up to be a classic.

Btw – for actually thinking he will make any money on his website – I am nominating Craig as the next honorary member of the Society of The Less Than Sensible (SLTS). Mentally masturbating about making a fortune on the internet is not only leisurely, it is certainly less than sensible.

#163 – Always be prepared for any eventuality

Instead of working 8 hours a day, I like to invest my time in preparing for whatever life throws at me.  Today I am studying How to survive a freestyle rap battle.  There really is no doubt that I will inflict serious rap damage on some unsuspecting punk now.

god-damn ridiculous is the name of my label
cut you down quick like fresh flowers on my table

I can rap longer than my commute on 270
got me a razr to converse telephonically

cant drink 40’s cause they started to kill me
don’t drink nuthin’ but gangsta rap sweet tea

cant touch me cause your rhymes are tintinnabulous
i’ll be dropping bombs like “man that shirt is fabulous”

Oh – no my friend, it is you that has been served.

Word.

#162 – Mis-pronounce words at will

My wife is in the medical field and dropped this beauty on me one day:

“The correct way to pronounce centimeters is sontimeters”. 

After I laughed myself to tears, I quickly had to call everyone on the ole’ razr to spread the joy.  It’s become a cult classic in our social circle, certain to be mentioned at least once at social events.  My buddy Craig likes to leave hilarious “sontimeter” voice mails on my cell phone at all hours of the night.

Well much to my satisfaction – I ran accross this today: The 5 most annoying medical terms.

Scorecard:        Melanie 53,241        Charlie 1

#161 – Think of creative ways to have people stare at your crotch

I purchased a kenneth cole belt at the mall yesterday.  It has an obnoxiously large belt buckle on it. It’s like a giant crotch eye-magnet.

It’s impossible for my co-workers to not look at my crotch without thinking “man… that is huge”.  Does wonders for the ego.

 I dont think there is really a limit to how far I can take this.

#160 – There’s mother f’kn tomatoes on the mother f’kn bicycle!

The line between the less than sensible and the criminal mind can be quite blurred.

If you are ever thinking about resorting to a life of crime, you would be well served to study the habits of a criminal mastermind. 

Let’s break down this masterfully executed heist shall we:

Step 1.) Steal items that you can turn into wads of cash.  In this case, tomatoes are going for a whopping $3.00 a pound these days.  A very hard “cash crop” to resist. 

Step 2.) Choose items that can be fenced easily.  There is definately a market for stolen tomatoes.

Step 3.) Case out the target carefully.  Make sure that you can enter and exit the target unseen.  Here, our criminal master has chosen to rob a vegetable garden in broad daylight, which should provide excellent cover from the knees down.

Step 4.) Invest in a fast and reliable getaway vehicle.  Vehicle of choice in this classic caper?  Bicycle.

Step 5.) In case of resistance, always pack a lethal weapon.  In this case, our criminal mastermind has chosen a folding pocket-knife.  Capable of some serious damage, unless the intended recipients are furious homowners.

Remember that no matter how good you are, sometimes luck just isnt on your side. Unfortunately for this criminal genious, he was apprehended despite his furious peddling and swashbuckling skills.

Note: The buzz on the street is that Universal Pictures has purchased the rights to this story and have greenlighted a full featured release starring Samual L. Jackson. When asked what he thought of the film, Samuel L. Jackson commented: “There’s mother f’kn tomatoes on the mother f’kn bicycle!”

#159 – Remember, nothing says “I’ve got money” quite like a duct tape wallet

Duct tape wallets are real chick magnets.  Impress your friends by whipping this thing out after dinner. “Hey guys, waffle house is on me.”

#158 – Welcome to the club Jacques!

In what can only be described as a “big surprise”, Jacques Chirac today put down his copy of “Soldier of Surrender“, just long enough to flush copy-write protection, ingenuity and the only successful online music model  down le’ toilet.

Congratulations Jacques, by demonstrating such dedication to the practice of the less than sensible – you too have been nominated as an honorary member of the Society of the Less Than Sensible!

#157 – Marketing Departments are Overpaid

Cutting your marketing budget is a great way to improve those quarterly earnings. Try hiring a college intern instead.

What is the worst that could possibly happen?

“Mr. Pyle – the company name ADP is already taken – but you aren’t going to believe what I have in store for you!”

#157 – Investing, Part 5 of a series

Part 5 – Full Service Brokerage

Definitely something to consider if you like receiving dozens of forms to fill out and 28 peices of 4-color glossy mail every week. I use Wachovia Securities. It’s only 500% more per trade than a discount broker, but what do you care playa!

#156 – Can I get some more butter on my bacon?

I dont know which I find funnier:

1.) The fact that a guard dog ate Elvis’s teddy bear collection
2.) The fact that Elvis even had a teddy bear collection
3.) The fact that some brit’ named “Sir Benjamin Slade” paid $75,000 for the teddy bear collection

Did anyone ever think to wash off the butter juice and bacon bits? You cant blame the dog. I bet most of Graceland smells like an omelet.

I hereby nominate Sir Benjamin Slade as the first honorary member of SLTS. Because buying Elvis’s teddy bear collection for 75 grand sounds exactly like the sort of thing I would do.

#155 – Your guide to personal improvement, Part 1 of a series

Part 1 – How to Lie

This is a great guide on how to lie.

Lying is a critical skill when attempting the following:

1.) Explaining why there is glitter on the back seat of the minivan
2.) Discussing your qualifications during an interview
3.) Promising your new in-laws that you are going to give them grandchildren some day

These are my favorite bullets:

Keep the lie simple. Complexity leads to confusion.

WWCD Example” Well I was at bible study making you an enormous hand made anniversary card out of glitter - but you had to go and ruin the surprise didnt you!” Note: The best defense is a good offense, which should throw her off guard,  long enough to wash off anything that still smells like cocoa butter.

Whenever possible, couch the lie between two truths. You may still be caught out, but the victim may credit you with ignorance instead of deceptiveness.

WWCD Example “I primarily made lot’s of xerox copies, developed high-availability cross platform applications in a matrixed environment, and also was responsible for stocking the coffee supplies.”

#154 – Purchase a 75 pound alarm clock

My wife and i purchased a 75 pound alarm clock about 2 1/2 years ago.

We named it Samson – although I tend to call it “you son-of-a-bitch” when the alarm clock goes off.  This doesn’t seem to impress the alarm clock, as technically it is a son of a bitch.

Our alarm clock only goes off at 3:31am . That’s when our alarm clock has to go outside to pee and then bark at whatever it is that 75 pound alarm clocks like to bark at.

The only way to turn off the alarm is by shouting at the top of your lungs.  

I generally default to “why don’t you grow some thumbs and get a job so that you will see how irritating it is to wake up at 3:31 in the morning!”  This will usually buy you a blank stare from the alarm clock as well as a few alarm clock kisses.  To which you will have no choice but to reply “I love you too. You son of a bitch”.

#153 – Investing, Part 4 of a series

Part 4 – Autotrade

This is a great service that will allow other people to make horrible trades for you.  For about a thousand dollars a year, some punk that just graduated from Brown University will sit in front of a computer analyzing a million stock charts, make picks and submit the orders for you. This really has its advantages, as you can track all of your losses after trading hours.  If paying for an autotrade service is a little out of your comfort zone, try investing a thousand dollars in a commercial blender and putting your investment money in there. 

Amaze your friends when they inquire about your investment strategy by telling them that you have 100% allocation of your 401K in PUREE.

#152 – Pick a Career in a Field That Really Matters

Try and encourage your kids to major in psychology.

 It’s only through years of training and dedicated field work work that we can learn such interesting and ground breaking discoveries like the fact that Guns Raise Male Testosterone Levels. 

Very similar in nature to the studies: “Hungry people tend to eat” or the 68′ Nobel Prize winner ”Tired people like to sleep”.

I will personally donate $100 this year to the following program: “Psychologists like studying the obvious.”  also known in some academic circles as “Crap humans have known since the beginning of time”.

#151 – Damn you PETA!

WHY do you always have to ruin it every time someone combines dead animals and sports?

#150 – Dinner Etiquette

I met some friends out for dinner on Friday.  To ensure that I am never invited out again, I followed these simple steps:

1.) Promise your wife that you wont drink more than two drinks.  Then, strategically place her between one of her friends and your non-drinking hand. This will allow you to consume 2-3 times the promised alcohol intake before she realizes that she will be driving home that night.  If she is on to you early, try finishing whatever wine is on the table -proclaiming “We can’t let this go to waste!”

2.) Dominating conversation is key.  If you dont have anything interesting to say, try saying it louder, until you are finally the center of attention. 

3.) Remember to refer to your wife in the third person, she will love this so much you will be reminded of it the rest of the weekend. Note: This should only be used on weekends you dont plan on getting any.

4.) The next day, never admit to doing anything wrong – plausible deniabilty is the core foundation of the less than sensible.

5.) Don’t ever pay for professional help. That’s what the internet is for.

#149 – Remember that Jehovah’s Witnesses have no sense of humor

Try not to make a habit of irritating Jehovah’s Witnesses. Handing out “The Watchtower” all day instead of ever holding down a full time job tends to make Jehovah’s Witnesses quite grumpy. The Elders run a tight ship, as it is quite stressful being only two levels removed from Jesus on the official org chart.

Instead, invite them in for birthday cake.  Jehovah’s Witnesses always bring children with them, so when the kid’s ask “Whats a birthday mom?” Quickly grab extra copies of The Watchtower.  They make great cage liners for gerbils and other small rodents.

#148 – Investing, Part 3 of a series

Part 3 – Trading On Margin

Definitely take advantage of this.  Trading on margin will allow you to lose far more money than you actually have AND at an accelerated rate.  There is nothing quite like losing borrowed money.  I am heavily margined in Pepto Bismol.  That’s called hedging, which we will cover in a future post.

#147 – American Craftsmanship – It’s the only way to go

A bit of advice – when purchasing furniture – make sure that you try to save as much money as possible.  Then make absolutely certain that it’s made in America, because we all know that cheap American products are worth every penny.

We just bought a bedroom set from Value City Furniture.  By “just” i mean 3 months ago.  Waiting for three months would give you the impression that this would end up being a finely crafted, hand built affair.

Well the furniture came in today. How do I like it?  I would describe it as “Smashing”.

The armoire was totalled and the canopy for the bed was trashed as well.  My favorite part is this though:  It wasn’t due to shipping, the items were actually packed that way at the factory.  

How can crap at Pier One that is made by someone who doesn’t even own shoes, make it half way around the world in one piece but we can’t even get something made in North Carolina without it leaving the factory in pieces?

Scorecard: India 1 Tarheels 0

#146 – Driving Etiquette

Rule #1: Anybody who drives slower than you is an idiot.

Rule #2: Anybody who drives faster than you is crazy.

Rule #3: Your horn is your friend.  I plan on installing two or three more.

Rule #4: Tailgating is an art, embrace it.  Just tell your insurance company that you were “drafting” to save gas.

Rule #5: The more lane changes you make, the faster it will seem like you are going.

Rule #6: Turn Signals are for pu$$ies.  Using them is a sign of weakness.

Rule #7: Never merge in until the absolute last minute, those two car lengths could make all the difference between getting home at 6:03 or as late as 6:04.

Just remember: Commuting is allot like frogger, without the logs and lilly pads.

 

#145 – Investing, Part 2 of a series

Part 2 – Options Trading   

Options Trading is when someone far more financially savvy than you, gets the option to take up to 100% of your investment.  More often than not, you will find that is exactly  the option they take. My favorite option is the straddle option.  That’s where you open lid, insert cash and then flush.

#144 – Investing, Part 1 of a series

Part 1 – Discount Brokers

Make sure that you trade often.  After a month or two, you will see that you have spent more on brokerage fees than you could ever make in the stock market.  I spent over $400.00 last month in brokerage fees. I think next month I will just send them a check for $400 bucks and ask them to kick me square in the balls.  It’s allot less work.

#143 – Gaming Rules

Ok.  Ask anyone in my family about playing games with me and they might tell you I am known as the Uno Nazi.  This is an affectionate name given to me for my competitive nature in all things including but not limited to: Card games, putt-putt, how fast I can out-run you or how much more cake I can eat than you.  Of all the games I cherish dominating the most, this news disturbs me.

Some important gaming rules:

1.) The only object is to win.  If you want to have fun then do something else like drive fast at night with no headlights on.
2.) There are no age handicaps.  Its up to you to teach children the cold hard fact that losing sucks more than anything. Remind them of rule number 1.
3.) Rules are there for a reason. It’s the foundation that you have honed your skills against for a lifetime.  If someone doesn’t follow the rules, then immediately drop an “f” bomb and remind everyone within shouting distance the all important rule number 1.
4.) If you find that you are losing, simply remind everyone what a completely retarded game you are playing and that if they would like to wrestle or box you for first place – you are more than ready. Rule number 1 remember?!

#142 – Email Etiquette

Some basic email etiquette:

1. When you find yourself emotionally charged over an email you just received – be sure to immediately respond without giving any thought to what you are typing
2. No matter who the email was originally to – be sure that you CC your response to everyone in the company email directory (this is important!)
3. Always continue drafting your next salvo way in advance of any responses you are going to receive.  Don’t waste company time by reading those responses either – just fire away with whatever you have lined up.  Co-workers and management will really appreciate this.

#141 – Don’t set people on fire at the bar

Seriously - if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Don’t light your menu on fire at the bar if the woman next to you is standing in a pool of rum.

As a side note, I am barred for life at a couple of drinking establishments in the state of Maryland but have never set anyone on fire, which seems quite unfair.

#140 – If your girlfriend talks too much, remember to keep your cool

Only perform this as a last resort

#139 – Always remember, chicks dig guys with cool cars

An 88′ Dodge Aries – It’s not only the performance, it’s the luxury

#138 – Refrain from wearing khaki pants

I don’t think men ever realized just how much urinal splatter there is until we started wearing khaki pants. Stick with dark colors guys – ignorance is bliss.

#137 – Always feel free to give unsolicited advice

Always feel free to give unsolicited advice to family and friends. They will really appreciate it, and it will feel good to finally be reffered to as a “Know It All”. Once you have perfected this skill, you can even purchase a “Fix It” hat so that women everywhere will instantly recognize what a great listener you are. If you don’t get this reference, then you are still single or soon will be.

#136 – Female Aphrodisiacs

Through much trial and error, I have found the following to be the top three (3) aphrodesiacs for females:

1.) Diamonds
2.) $1200.00 a night hotel rooms
3.) Long Island iced tea’s

#135 – Always follow the economic indicators

The war in the middle east is spiraling out of control and gas prices are through the roof.  Peak oil is forecasting the end of the world as we know it.  The ozone layer is depleted and global warming is the topic de-jour. 

What would Charlie do?

Buy a 5.6 Liter 305HP V8, 5,323 pound gas-guzzling monster truck of course!!

13 mpg (check)
Too big to park at the mall (check)
Wont fit in my garage (check)
Able to crush honda-civics in my work parking lot without even realizing I hit them (check)
Ability to pass BMW’s uphill going 100mph (check)

AWESOME!

#134 – Get Rich Quick!

I have determined that the only way to get rich quick is to write a book about how to get rich quick.  I have already pre-sold 10 copies to my lazy friends (thanks Chad for the first order).  If you would like to pre-order a copy – email me at wwcdblog@mac.com

“Remember – It’s not just a book – it’s a Wealth Generation System!”

#133 – Never, under any circumstances actually touch the strippers.

Or as my dad pointed out – at least not at strip clubs that serve juice and feature Goth strippers.

#132 – beware of inflatable art.

I am only going to say this once – beware of inflatable art. Well technically I said it twice – so be doubly warned!