You can thank the Japanese for another awesome addition to modern culture:  Gothic Lolita.

I saw a gaggle of Japanese girls at a dance club in Philadelphia dressed like this.

I cant decide whether I am supposed to be turned on or offended. 

Japanese culture really confuses me.

For the girlfriends and wives who read this blog.

Don’t forget that today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

When you are out tonight, don’t forget the #1 Pirate pick-up line:

“Prepare To Be Boarded!”

 The headline says it all: “Man on trial for threats to judge threatens judge”

I don’t care what you think, this guy has a huge set of brass balls.

I know how it feels.  The man always keepin you down. 

Whenever I am on the way to my court appearances for traffic violations (and there have been many)  I like to pull into the courthouse parking lot at at least 105mph.

Tired of being a nobody?  Try this little trick out.  Do a Google search on your name, and then weave the results into your own web of lies.  This works great for picking up waitresses at Applebee’s.  For example I found out that I actually: Graduated from Med School (sweet shades Chuck), Took first place in a fishing contest and also wrote a book about the Confederacy.  Now that’s impressive.

My wife and I bought a new house in April, with over an acre of grass - its our first official “yard”.

Well it’s August now and all the grass is D-E-A-D dead.  People in the mojave have better yards than mine.  I am pretty sure I saw a tumbleweed yesterday. 

So what options do I have left?  This is my last ditch effort.

If you are interested, please send your photo and measurements to me.  No glamour shots please.

A word of advice. Don’t send the dyslexic of the family out for birthday candles.

My daughter turned eleven over the weekend.  I was in charge of the birthday candles.  Now most fathers would have grabbed a box of the standard b-day candles – or perhaps even upgraded to the giant numerals – purchasing two “1″s to make an impressive “11″.

Not me.  I had to go the specialty party store – and purchase the candles that are actually individual letters made out of wax, stuck on sticks so that you can spell out “Happy Birthday” on the cake.

This would have been great – except that I accidentally bought the box that spells “Happy Retirement”.  Leaving me with no other choice but to make up a new word from the letters in r-e-t-i-r-e-m-e-n-t.

Saturday, my daughter was pleasantly surprised with a cake that said “Happy Time”.

I still dont know which was funnier, my sister trying to figure out where the “m” is in “birthday” or the look on my daughters face as she chalked one more item to the “why my dad is such a dork” list.

Classic.