Man – i have been seriously neglecting this blog. I started working for “The Man” again in January. “The Man” has a way of sucking the life out of you, so i have had little interest in making fun of other people, much less myself.

Anyway, in keeping with the theme that this is the worst blog ever – ill probably post again in September….

In the mean time, ill leave you with this:

The Grift that keeps on giving: http://www.carbonneutral.com/cncalculators/travelcalculatorshop.asp

BTW: The total amount of CO2 produced by my travel is 10.9 tonnes per year. Seems a little low. I’m going to drive my truck home in reverse tonight with all of the windows open and the air-conditioner on. Just trying to do my part to reverse whatever crap these people are selling.

Key Phrases of the day:

I hate environmentalists.

Global warming is a farce.

Recycling is bunk.

Hybrids are for pussies.

 In what can only be described as a”Classic Charlie Moment”, I got into an argument with a retarded gas attendant yesterday.  By retarded, I don’t mean that he was simply disagreeing with me – which makes you retarded by default – no, I mean he was actually mentally handicapped.  It seems that Sams Club has found a home for the mentally retarded and employs them as Gas Station Attendants.  This is incredibly nice of Sams Club, as the gas station is completely self-service pay-at-the pump with no cash transactions.  It seems the Retarded Gas Station Attendants job is to remind you when you arent pumping gas correctly.  Case in point:

 After beginning to pump gas, i got back into my truck to talk to my wife for a while.  You see – with 22 gallons to go, there isnt much for me to do while the gas is pumping.  The retarded gas station attendant knocked on my window and began reading the “Static Warning” label on the gas pump.

This is where my true personality begins to shine through.  I immediately began challenging the Retard to “how in the hell could getting in and out of my car could POSSIBLY start a fire?!  Give me a fucking break”.  About this time, the minivan from New Jersey behind me decides to run to the Retards rescue with: “Hey, it’s true – i saw it on 60 minutes!” To which I replied “Does that mean it’s true?  When 60 minutes lit a truck on fire and said that it blew up, was that true too?  Sounds like journalistic sensationalism to me!” At about this time, some other washed up old biker guy two pumps over – witnessing that Overweight Dad from New Jersey and Retarded Gas Station Attendant were no match for my wits chimes in “Yea – dont you know anything, thats why you cant use your cell phone, havent you heard about turning off two-way radio’s in a blasting zone?!!” Well this comment stuns me, as i have absolutely no freaking idea what this nut job is talking about.  Realizing that the best defense is a good offense, i shout back  “I’m not talking about a cell phone you idiot, im talking about getting in and out of my car.”  “Oh, sorry” he says.  Well “oh sorry” isnt good enough for Charlie – so i yell back “…which is why you shouldnt butt into other peoples conversations when you dont know what the hell your talking about!”

Profanity laced craziness ensues…. 

Fast forward to today. I would like everyone to please watch the following video:

http://www.pei.org/static/static.mov

By the way, I submitted my application to Sams Club this morning.

Nothing pisses me off more than Fat Free Sour Cream.

God God Damnit Damnit.

You can thank the Japanese for another awesome addition to modern culture:  Gothic Lolita.

I saw a gaggle of Japanese girls at a dance club in Philadelphia dressed like this.

I cant decide whether I am supposed to be turned on or offended. 

Japanese culture really confuses me.

For the girlfriends and wives who read this blog.

Don’t forget that today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

When you are out tonight, don’t forget the #1 Pirate pick-up line:

“Prepare To Be Boarded!”

Great article on How to Dissuade Yourself from Becoming a Blogger.

I agree with this entire article.  Writing a blog is way too much work. I am actually thinking about outsourcing my blog writing to someone in India.

The next blog entry you read will actually be written by this guy.

I am going to take a break from f’ing with sea creatures for a while.  They are obviously pissed right now.  

Combined with last weeks tragic death of Steve Irwin, I think there is something going on here.

My next trip to the beach, I will be hanging out at the pool and drinking lavaflow’s. Which, come to think of it, is all I ever do at the beach anyway.

So, this is really advice for anyone out there inclined to stick a trident, attached to a wire, into a 200 pound fish, while holding your breath.

 The headline says it all: “Man on trial for threats to judge threatens judge”

I don’t care what you think, this guy has a huge set of brass balls.

I know how it feels.  The man always keepin you down. 

Whenever I am on the way to my court appearances for traffic violations (and there have been many)  I like to pull into the courthouse parking lot at at least 105mph.

Tired of being a nobody?  Try this little trick out.  Do a Google search on your name, and then weave the results into your own web of lies.  This works great for picking up waitresses at Applebee’s.  For example I found out that I actually: Graduated from Med School (sweet shades Chuck), Took first place in a fishing contest and also wrote a book about the Confederacy.  Now that’s impressive.

This might explain why Bob from Quizno’s won’t shut up. 

And you thought baby formula was expensive.